Hello everyone, I'm CaiCai. It's been a while since I last updated my midnight talk. Today, sitting in the library working, my thoughts are all over the place. I figured I should still pick up my pen and write down some of the changes that have happened over the past few months!
The title is misleading, but it's the reality right now.
Sometimes life is quite comical. When the general environment is not good, I believe most people would choose stability, choose to find a familiar environment to make themselves comfortable. But I made a different decision, cutting off my past self, cutting off many things I possessed, and starting down an uncertain path.
It happens to be AntGroup's 20th anniversary this year, so let me first talk about my previous work! I worked at Ant for more than 10 years, where I spent the best years of my youth. Thinking back carefully, I don't think I've achieved much. Of course, perhaps in the eyes of others, I might have done some things.
I chose to leave in June of this year. There wasn't one particular main reason, but rather a confluence of different factors that made me have to think about where I'd be in the next 10 years.
- Back when the mobile wave arrived, I was young and lacked the resources to accomplish anything significant. Now, with the AI wave, I'm in my prime, with ambition and capability. Ant Group, constrained by various factors, is unlikely to have innovative applications in the short term. To break free from the current situation, I need to choose a more suitable environment to complete my next work.
- I used to be a workaholic, sometimes even when I got home, I would stay in the study working on product-related tasks. Over time, I paid less and less attention to my family. For a long time, I ignored my wife's negative emotions at work, and sometimes I had difficulty sensing her changes. So I decided that I would spend more time with her, support her decisions, including her choice to study abroad this time.
- I have a promise with myself that if one day I am trapped in this state, I will choose to re-examine everything and give myself another option.
Of course, making this decision doesn't mean I was unhappy with my previous job. To be honest, in my last two years at Ant, I worked with a great team. My boss, HRG, and even the tech lead from the next team gave me a lot of space to do things I couldn't do before.
But due to the overall environment, sometimes I felt like I was doing repetitive tasks, and I would always encounter one or two meddlesome people interfering. This kind of situation is quite uncomfortable for a product person, and I happen to be someone who likes to try new things, so sometimes decisions are made in an instant.
Living in Canada for a while
This time abroad will be a bit longer than before, because my wife has chosen to leave her state-owned enterprise job to study abroad. The decision to study was made roughly last year, and at that time, we weren't sure it would definitely work out.
We just felt we couldn't continue in the same state. So, with a try-it-and-see attitude, we decided to move forward. We firmly believe that when people are lost and don't know which way to go, the best approach is to just move forward. As you walk, you might see things more clearly.
So my wife began preparing for her long academic journey, the first step being to improve her IELTS score. On this point, I really admire her perseverance. Without taking time off work, Dabo was able to utilize a few hours each weekday evening over two months to achieve a score of 7.5.
While preparing for the exams, we also researched which country and school would be suitable for us. Ultimately, we chose Canada because the overall education path in Canada is relatively standardized, and there were also suitable programs for our eldest child. So, before the Chinese New Year in 2023, she submitted applications to 6 schools. After the New Year, we received 5 offers. Ultimately, our eldest chose the University of Calgary, and we then came to Alberta, Canada.
Although my text description is very simple, you should know that the determination to make this decision is very great, even greater than my determination to leave Ant Group. To be honest, when I left Ant Group, there were still many places I could go. But if it's a home relocation, that's difficult.
The most pressing issue in front of me is how to let go of what we have in Hangzhou. After many nights of thinking, we decided to sell. You can't take it with you when you're born, and you can't take it with you when you die. Sometimes excessive material desires don't change anything. So we started selling our car and our house. It happened to be during an economic downturn, and selling these assets didn't bring us any profit, we even lost some of the principal. But since we decided to "let go," we'll let go completely.
It's strange to say, but in my last few months in Hangzhou, I actually got used to taking taxis to work. It was quite interesting to chat with different drivers every day.
In the last month, we packed some personal belongings and shipped them back to our hometown, and then we each packed two suitcases, which was all of our belongings we brought to Canada.
In early August, my wife and I, each carrying a large and a small suitcase, boarded a plane to Seattle, waving goodbye to our friends. We then transferred from Seattle to Calgary. There was a small incident: after landing in Seattle, we found that all flights to Calgary were canceled because hail had damaged the planes. Perhaps that's part of Calgary's charm.
Before this, we had never been to Canada, even though we had 10-year Canadian visas.
If there's one word to summarize the past year, it might be "decluttering": cutting off your own worries, letting go of what you've had in the past, and leaving behind your accustomed way of life.
Starting anew, we have 60% of our lives left.
In the past, when we traveled to other countries, we didn't have so many worries. Aside from the fear of being targeted by thieves, we mostly had the mindset of a tourist and consumer. But starting a life in another country, for us, is both exciting and very anxiety-inducing.
In the first week after arriving, we stayed in an Airbnb. Coupled with not having found a place to live, our sense of belonging was instantly shattered. During those nights, every time I closed my eyes, I would start questioning our decision. But then I would think of the conversation I had with Frank last June, which strengthened my resolve.
Last June, Frank was preparing to leave Ant Group. I asked him what he would do next. He hesitated for a moment and said he hadn't figured it out yet, but he was firm about one thing. Because he was already 40, and with half of his life seemingly already over, he should make a good plan for the next 10 years.
It seems like a monologue, but in that instant, his monologue touched me, am I not the same? In a few more years, I'll be 40 years old too, and if my life progresses at a normal pace, barring any unforeseen circumstances, it will soon be only 60% left. Since graduation, I've actually been busy with work, and in the eyes of others, I've gotten a good job and a pretty good income. But in my own view, it seems I've made choices, but also haven't made any choices.
Sometimes family and friends don't quite understand the reason for our choice this time, giving up good benefits and starting all over again, whether it's worth it. If you look at it from an income perspective, of course it's not worth it, but when I think about how short life is, we really don't have that much time to mess around, and really, in the blink of an eye, you'll find that you already have gray hair at your temples.
The most terrifying thing about people is that once you have something, you want more. If we look at it again, many desires are actually just adding to our troubles. Often, you won't feel satisfied because of what you've gained; you'll still feel empty, and then you'll try every way to fill the void.
With this "re-examination," I seem to have seen many things clearly, and my heart has become much more at ease. Mr Pingxia used to often talk to me about Zen, tranquility, and letting go. I didn't have so much deep meaning in it. I simply define my state as four words, "living just right," yes. Don't deliberately pursue, don't strive to fill your desires, but just let yourself live just right.
At the same time, on the journey of life, tell yourself to try more. The human journey is actually very short. If you don't try anything, you will lose the most fundamental happiness of being human. I don't want to wait until I'm very old to make a bucket list, but rather start now, try hard, and strive to experience those things that I once rejected and ignored.
So, sometimes when you think about it, living just right is the most fulfilling time in life, and also when we are happiest in our hearts.
This late-night food diary entry is a bit long, but it truly reflects my mental journey over the past few months, or even the past year. Of course, this is just the beginning, and I will continue to write more, including my life abroad and how I embarked on entrepreneurship.